Chicago Diner: You're probably cool enough to go

The Chicago Diner is a Boystown classic. Centrally located on the gayest strip of Halsted, this old-fashioned-looking-but-not-tasting diner is all vegetarian. And also offers a lot of vegan options. There is usually a wait and the line outside offers everyone from tattooed attractive women who rode their fixie bikes there to gothic teenagers from the suburbs. But I know what you're thinking: AM I COOL ENOUGH??????

It's a tough question. The servers are so f-ing cool that they're like "order, don't order... I could care less." But not in a bad way. Really they could care less. They are all so hopped up on those crazy vegan vegetables that you've never heard of that they don't need normal human interactions to sustain life. If you don't know what Seitan is, don't ask. Just eat it and pretend like it's food and it will taste exactly like whatever shape it takes. For example, seitan sausage tastes like sausage. I do wonder what it would taste like if you formed it into a lamp or a turtle. But that's for another day.

Here's the thing. If I was a vegetarian or even a vegan, this place would be my go-to. And as a meat-eater I do enjoy the food here. I will not lie. The iced coffee is incredibly strong. You will get the stink eye if you ask for COW'S MILK in your coffee. The food is incredibly fresh, probably because the ingredients are like local and organic and stuff. The omelets are amazing. French toast was just the right amount of sweet and salty. If you want real bacon or eggs that were hatched in a cage because you like the cage-y taste then this isn't your place. I'll probably go again, and I'll probably never feel cool enough to be there because I like milk in my coffee but que sera, right?

Here are some questions to ask yourself before heading to Chicago Diner. See results below.

1. What does the word "cheeze" mean to you?

A. It's a really cool way to spell cheese.

B. It's vegan dairy-free "cheese" alternative

C. Did you mean cheese?

2. Seitan Chorizo is _______

A. Weird. But I'll live.

B. yummy. I love seitan.

C. a crime to all other Chorizos

3. Fat-free black beans are...

A. Good in a quesadilla filled with real cheese and other things with flavor

B. A legitimate substitute for fries as a side dish

C. Evil nuggets of tasteless fiber

4. I have bumper stickers for the Chicago Diner

A. On my car

B. On my bike

C. On an internet search for bumper stickers but nowhere else

5. Soymilk helps me

A. When my lactose-intolerance is really acting up

B. Wake up every day

C. To know what soymilk is

6. I have a tattoo of:

A. My beloved family pet

B. An ironic mustache

C.A butterfly tramp stamp

7. Paying $4 for a glass orange juice is acceptable if:

A. It's really delicious

B. It's organic and hand-made

C. Never. I prefer my orange juice to be cheaply produced by a 3rd world country

8. Patchouli smells like

A. Stoners

B. My house

C. Dirty hippies

9. My bike looks like it came from

A. My parent's house

B. A yard sale. But it actually cost me $1000 to have it hand-made

C. Lance Armstrong's wet dream

10. This quiz is

A. Awesome

B. Obvious

C. Confusing

If you answered mostly A's.....

You are cool aka me

If you answered mostly B's....

YOU ARE DEFINITELY COOL ENOUGH to go to Chicago Diner. And you'll love it.

If you answered mostly C's....

You are a tool, probably.

Perfection on Halsted/ Sadness on Broadway

Things that are universally good:Breakfast food

Open bars

This website http://1000awesomethings.com/

Clothes that fit perfectly AND are on sale

Birthdays

BREAKFAST FOODS

I mean breakfast foods are the best kind of foods in the world. Why? I'm glad you asked:

It's hard to mess them up

You can have sweet or savory or BOTH

When else is it acceptable to have coffee and orange juice and water all at once?

No one judges you for getting something greasy

No one judges you for basically having desert for a meal

Fruit and sweets come together in perfect harmony

SAUSAGE

BACON

You get to tell people how you want things cooked without seeming like a tool

It's delicious and casual and usually pretty cheap.

So we've established that I love breakfast foods. And as I've said, it's hard to mess them up. Which is why it's so disappointing when someone does. I mean there are onl

y so many ways to make a pancake. And I'm not a chef but I think making one has to be like cooking 101. So if you have a job at A BREAKFAST restaurant and you can't cook a pancake, well, we have a problem.

Now, since living in Chicago I have been a few places for breakfast. Mostly I just go to the same place over and over again because it's close to my home and has yet to disappoint. In fact, it is amazing. This place is.....

NOOKIES TREE on Halsted = Perfection on Halsted

So good. They have other kinds of food too, but the breakfast is killer. And yes, it has a line (especially sat. and sun. mornings from 10am-1pm) but they get you seated and fed and happy pretty quickly. I've never waited more than 20 minutes here, even when I've gone during peak hangover hours (see above) with a group of 6 friends.

The food is great. The servers are quick and get your orders right. The prices are right.

Try the crepes (I like the sweet cream cheese and strawberry ones) or the breakfast sandwiches. Also the mango-coconut hotcakes, a seasonal specialty that may or may not still be on the men, is like eating a slice of a fruity angel. Oh, and on Friday and Saturday it's open 24 hours.

Bottom Line: it's worth the line. If you really want to go there and not wait, then go on a weekday morning. You will get great service and have food on your plate within 10 minutes of walking in.

Now for the sad news. The sadness on Broadway is none other than.... Melrose Restaurant. Like I said, it's HARD to mess up breakfast foods. This place managed to do it. Although there was no line, no wait, and no problem getting a table, there apparently was a reason for this. The service was incredibly slow and our server messed up our orders in about 5 different ways. The food was overpriced for the quality and the portions were small. It's breakfast! Let's stuff ourselves like the Americans we are!

And the place was crawling with bananas. They must have been trying to get rid of 'nanas because my friend who ordered a fruit cup got an under-ripe banana in its place. My stuffed french toast, supposedly filled with mascarpone cheese and topped with strawberries was filled with.... you guessed it... bananas. I'm not a banana-hater (like some people I know) but there's a time and a place for them. And it's a well known fact that if you put even a sliver of banana in any dish, the whole thing is going to taste like them.

At the end of our meal we waited for our receipt only to find that we had to go up to the front, wait in a long line and then pay. Fine, except they couldn't split up our check in any way and wouldn't let us pay with more than 1 credit card. I get that, but at that point it was the cherry on top of an unsatisfactory dining experience.

So.... long story short. If you are headed to breakfast in Boystown, go to Nookies.

Ann Sather: What's the big idea?

Ann Sather. I've never been. Is it worth the wait?

Thoughts...

Three Broadway Finds

So I love Broadway. Let's just say it. And I HATE that it's called Broadway. Because I cannot walk up and down that street without singing "On Broadway." Nevertheless, the stretch of Broadway between, let's say, Addison and Diversey is great. So many adorable stores, coffee shops, delicious restaurants and really eclectic people watching. I've been to many of these places and had some great food-experiences as well as some not-great-food-experiences. But let's focus on the positive. I give you..... 3 GREAT Broadway Finds. Places you should try if you haven't already:

1. BUN MI EXPRESS

Description: Authentic Vietnamese Sandwiches. Also home to delicious Vietnamese salads (the kind you find at a good Pho place)

Try out: The pork roll sandwich. French baguette, grilled pork, pate, cilantro, jalapeno, cucumber, pickled carrots, dikon, mayo. I prefer to take off a few of the jalapenos and dip the sandwich in a little srichacha.

Pros: Awesome service, great people, fresh ingredients, great if you want to try something new but don't want to be scoffed at by pretentious foodies (the people here will let you taste different things and also talk you through your first Bun Mi Experience), cheap, fast service

Cons: They don't deliver.

Bottom Line: You may or may not love Vietnamese sandwiches (they can be a little spicy for some) but at $4.85 for a big-ol' sandwich it's worth trying!

2. Crisp

Description: Korean fried chicken and rice bowls with Korean flavors

Try out: Chi-Town Chicken Bowl. It's just rice and chicken and some sort of sauce, but it is DELISH. And it comes with more spicy sauce which you can add on to your own liking.

Pros: GREAT people (like Bun Mi they will not judge you for having NO idea what korean fried chicken is or what to possibly order), cheap

Cons: Some dishes are a little spicy, too many choices on the menu!

Bottom Line: I haven't had anything here that I haven't loved and have yet to hear a negative review. If you are worried about getting messy with a big plate of fried chicken then try out a bowl and choose your own toppings. Can't go wrong with that.

3. Falafill

Description: Falafel place with an add-your-own-toppings-salad-bar

Try out: The falafel sandwich (4 falafel balls in a wheat pita) with a free trip to the self-serve toppings bar. The tzatziki and cilantro chutney are great but go crazy with whatever toppings look good to you. Just don't overfill your pita because you WILL make a mess

Pros: Perfect falafels, fresh toppings that you get to CHOOSE yourself, clean, moderately cheap

Cons: They really don't want you to overfill your falafel or steal too much from the salad bar because they give you a flimsy little pita-holder that can't stand the weight of more than 3 toppings, not great service and definitely not a friendly staff (but hey- you basically make the food yourself so what can you say)

Bottom Line: If you like falafel you can't go wrong here.

First Review

Since I plan to do reviews, I must review my FAVORITE place thus far. Are you ready?

I'll give you a hint. It's a magical world where you can trial-taste and you are governed by your own free will. That's right....

YOGURT PIER.

Now I don't want to be hasty here or oversell this, but Yogurt Pier is literally the best place I've ever been in my entire life. And that includes a Creed concert in Miamisburg, Ohio. Yogurt Pier is one of those magical self-serve frozen-yogurt places with a huge toppings bar. It's .45 cents an ounce. Which is perfect. If you want to be a fatty and pile on the reeses chunks and captain crunch (that's right they have cereal toppings whhaaat?!) then so be it. If you want to be a little baby you can put a light dusting of fresh fruit on top of your "original tart" non-fat yogurt then go for it.

It's the best.

And yes, there are places like this all over the city. Am I biased because Yogurt Pier is basically in my backyard? Surely. But the flavors here are great. They have the traditional “original tart” and a few other non-fat varieties, mostly fruit flavored. Then they have a bunch of low-fat-tastes-like-ice-cream flavors such as red velvet cake, cake batter, and cookies and cream. The flavors vary day-by-day and there is always something new. Recently they put Irish mint, island banana, and snickerdoodle on tap. My favorite thus far was the angel food cake. Sadly they’ve removed angel food cake and cake batter for the time being, but I have faith they’ll come back.

The toppings here are plentiful and vary from mango chunks to almond slivers to crushed up heath bars. The most exciting part? MAGIC SHELL. Oh they’ve got that too.

So I’ll leave you with this recipe for a delicious Yogurt Pier experience. I hope you enjoy! GO THERE.

Step 1. Enter yogurt pier. Select size of bowl.

Step 2. Place bowl under “angel food cake” spout. Dispense as you see fit.

Step 3. Proceed to toppings bar. Add strawberries to bowl with vigor. Sprinkle fresh coconut on top.

Step 4. Proceed to magic shell, chocolate fudge variety. Shake and pour into bowl.

Step 5. Pay them. This shit ain’t free.

Step 6. Eat. Enjoy. Fall in love.