I'm BAAACCCCKKKK

As you may know, collective internet followers (aka no one), I'm obsessed with TV. The AV Club website is my all-time fave and I love reading their reviews of all TV shows. Even shows I don't watch. That's right, I've read every review of "Breaking Bad" from avclub but I've only watched 3 episodes (couldn't get into it and TRUST ME I TRIED). I routinely binge on the wikipedia re-caps of entire seasons of shows like "Hannibal" and "Finding Carter" that I will never watch, learning about the dynamics of each episode and toggling back and forth to remember who this "Dave" is that they keep talking about. BTW, Dave is probably someone's dad who is having an affair. This is a pretty legit guess.
Long story short, I'm gonna write about TV. I love writing and I love reading about TV and lord knows I've got OPINIONS so here goes! Hope you enjoy....

PS- I tried to find a picture that accurately captures me watching TV and found this gem on the interwebs. WHATWHY is all I wanna know.

But like make the food more like scraps I found around the house and the TV flatter and bigger (cuz I'm pretty rich) and make the hair frizzier and turn the soda into white wine and THIS IS ME TO A TEE. 

Lies that movies taught us...

So recently I started thinking about all the lies that movies taught us. The first and most important one being: repeatedly turning down and being a bitch to Ryan Gosling and Freddie Prinze Jr. will not only make him continue to pursue you, but also fall in love with you. I learned this from every movie Ryan Gosling has ever made (except for maybe Half Nelson) and from She's All That starring Freddie P. Jr.

But this isn't the only lie that I grew up believing. There's the ponytail lie, which was also most evident in She's All That (again, see above). This is the lie that tells us that merely cutting off a ponytail, removing glasses and putting some makeup on will make even the ugliest of creatures turn into a beauty queen. This is a lie for 2 reasons.

#1 All the girls this has ever happened to in movies (Rachel Leigh Cook, Brittany Murphy in Clueless, Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, Kristen Bell in You Again, Elphaba in Wicked) are actually BEAUTIFUL to begin with. Even with a falafel on her head RL Cook still looks pretty hot. So this is simply teaching us that covering up beautiful people in heinous ponytails, glasses, eyebrows and no makeup can be undone with a quick makeover and they will once again be beautiful.

#2 People that are actually unattractive and headstrong are not going to accept a makeover or for that matter be offered a makeover by some hottie who knows all the right moves. PONYTAIL LIE, you've been mythbusted.

SO I made a list of a few more... If you can think of any more lies movies taught us then please leave a note/ comment!

ANTM and thievery

So I stole this idea from a friend whose blog http://marcjacobshireme.wordpress.com/ is absolutely hilarious. The idea being putting a page you've hand-written on your blog. This one I wrote while enjoying some wine (read between the lines) and watching America's Next Top Model (ANTM). The drawing, I think, is a true representation of my artistic abilities.

Going on a diet. Writing a food blog.

So I've been trying to go on a diet/ eat healthier. I also plan to one day work out and join a gym but who can afford that? I'm too busy being unemployed! My goal is to look THIS GOOD in pajama jeans. She looks so comfortable and also fashionable. Isn't that the life?

So being unemployed/ trying to diet = me making food at home. It is sad. I will not give up this blog for any man, but, as Victoria Beckham once said I think "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." I will be Posh Spice in pajama jeans in a month.

Expect some posts about experiences other than restaurants. Or shopping. Or anything that costs money. In fact, get ready to learn about acceptable alternatives to hair conditioner for those on a budget. I have a friend who regularly uses $1.99 Suave lotion to pat down/ smooth out (?) her hair. B, you know who you are. This same friend also scared the crap out of a Mary Kay salesperson in college. When the lady came to our house she asked us how we took off eye makeup. B said, "I just grab 2 paper towels, rub some suave on them and then go like this (imagine someone wiping their face with paper towels the way you might rub your hands on your pants after accidentally touching something gross.... there you've got it)." Needless to say the woman was appalled and shocked at how few cases of conjunctivitis this had caused. Really, it can't be that bad because I believe that deep down all lotions/ creams are just creamier versions of vaseline.

SO since I haven't visited any restaurants lately I will share with you some food I've been making lately. I actually really like to cook and love to cook for other people. I rarely advertise this because I HATE those girls who are like "My ideal date? I cook you a delicious meal and treat you like a prince. Just sit back and enjoy the view of me in my slutty apron. giggle giggle giggle." I can't be that girl. So instead I cook for people like my current roommate, D, who will eat anything I make even if it's disgusting. It's a real confidence boost.

Some of my specialties: swedish pancakes, swedish meatballs, chicken with lime butter (my dad's secret recipe), pico de gallo, mango sangria (is food because it has fruit chunks in it) and so on... I recently made up a little pasta dish with shit I had in my kitchen and it turned out pretty good. So here's what I did.

Zucc-Pars-Lem-Pasta

(I hate pretentious food names. SORRY)

Ingredients:

(Don't measure, just use however much you think you can eat)

Thin Spaghetti

Extra Virgin Olive Oil or PAM or both

Yellow Onion, chopped

Zucchini (cut lengthwise with a peeler)

Lemon (about half of a lemon, squeezed)

Lemon zest (use above lemon. If you use another lemon for this, you're an idiot)

Fresh Parsley

Parmiganno-Regiano (sp?) Cheese, grated

Do stuff:

Boil water/ Make pasta

While pasta is cooking, heat up some evoo or pam or both on a skillet.

Add onions to skillet and sautee about a minute until they smell good and then throw in the zucchini and a little lemon zest. Oh and S &P.

Sautee onions and zucchs, stirring frequently. After about 6-8 minutes of that, add some of the pasta-water to the skillet (like 1/4 cup). Stir it up.

Drain pasta while slightly al dente and add to skillet. Cook about 2 minutes more, letting pasta soak up all the juice from skillet. Add lemon juice to taste. Add a bunch of parsley. Stir.

Before serving throw some parm-reg cheese on top. You could also throw some more lemon zest on top if you'd like.

It should look like this:

or better than this.

If it doesn't taste good it's because you put too much ___ in it and it's not my fault.

Just joshing guys, I take full responsibility.

Chicago Diner: You're probably cool enough to go

The Chicago Diner is a Boystown classic. Centrally located on the gayest strip of Halsted, this old-fashioned-looking-but-not-tasting diner is all vegetarian. And also offers a lot of vegan options. There is usually a wait and the line outside offers everyone from tattooed attractive women who rode their fixie bikes there to gothic teenagers from the suburbs. But I know what you're thinking: AM I COOL ENOUGH??????

It's a tough question. The servers are so f-ing cool that they're like "order, don't order... I could care less." But not in a bad way. Really they could care less. They are all so hopped up on those crazy vegan vegetables that you've never heard of that they don't need normal human interactions to sustain life. If you don't know what Seitan is, don't ask. Just eat it and pretend like it's food and it will taste exactly like whatever shape it takes. For example, seitan sausage tastes like sausage. I do wonder what it would taste like if you formed it into a lamp or a turtle. But that's for another day.

Here's the thing. If I was a vegetarian or even a vegan, this place would be my go-to. And as a meat-eater I do enjoy the food here. I will not lie. The iced coffee is incredibly strong. You will get the stink eye if you ask for COW'S MILK in your coffee. The food is incredibly fresh, probably because the ingredients are like local and organic and stuff. The omelets are amazing. French toast was just the right amount of sweet and salty. If you want real bacon or eggs that were hatched in a cage because you like the cage-y taste then this isn't your place. I'll probably go again, and I'll probably never feel cool enough to be there because I like milk in my coffee but que sera, right?

Here are some questions to ask yourself before heading to Chicago Diner. See results below.

1. What does the word "cheeze" mean to you?

A. It's a really cool way to spell cheese.

B. It's vegan dairy-free "cheese" alternative

C. Did you mean cheese?

2. Seitan Chorizo is _______

A. Weird. But I'll live.

B. yummy. I love seitan.

C. a crime to all other Chorizos

3. Fat-free black beans are...

A. Good in a quesadilla filled with real cheese and other things with flavor

B. A legitimate substitute for fries as a side dish

C. Evil nuggets of tasteless fiber

4. I have bumper stickers for the Chicago Diner

A. On my car

B. On my bike

C. On an internet search for bumper stickers but nowhere else

5. Soymilk helps me

A. When my lactose-intolerance is really acting up

B. Wake up every day

C. To know what soymilk is

6. I have a tattoo of:

A. My beloved family pet

B. An ironic mustache

C.A butterfly tramp stamp

7. Paying $4 for a glass orange juice is acceptable if:

A. It's really delicious

B. It's organic and hand-made

C. Never. I prefer my orange juice to be cheaply produced by a 3rd world country

8. Patchouli smells like

A. Stoners

B. My house

C. Dirty hippies

9. My bike looks like it came from

A. My parent's house

B. A yard sale. But it actually cost me $1000 to have it hand-made

C. Lance Armstrong's wet dream

10. This quiz is

A. Awesome

B. Obvious

C. Confusing

If you answered mostly A's.....

You are cool aka me

If you answered mostly B's....

YOU ARE DEFINITELY COOL ENOUGH to go to Chicago Diner. And you'll love it.

If you answered mostly C's....

You are a tool, probably.

Perfection on Halsted/ Sadness on Broadway

Things that are universally good:Breakfast food

Open bars

This website http://1000awesomethings.com/

Clothes that fit perfectly AND are on sale

Birthdays

BREAKFAST FOODS

I mean breakfast foods are the best kind of foods in the world. Why? I'm glad you asked:

It's hard to mess them up

You can have sweet or savory or BOTH

When else is it acceptable to have coffee and orange juice and water all at once?

No one judges you for getting something greasy

No one judges you for basically having desert for a meal

Fruit and sweets come together in perfect harmony

SAUSAGE

BACON

You get to tell people how you want things cooked without seeming like a tool

It's delicious and casual and usually pretty cheap.

So we've established that I love breakfast foods. And as I've said, it's hard to mess them up. Which is why it's so disappointing when someone does. I mean there are onl

y so many ways to make a pancake. And I'm not a chef but I think making one has to be like cooking 101. So if you have a job at A BREAKFAST restaurant and you can't cook a pancake, well, we have a problem.

Now, since living in Chicago I have been a few places for breakfast. Mostly I just go to the same place over and over again because it's close to my home and has yet to disappoint. In fact, it is amazing. This place is.....

NOOKIES TREE on Halsted = Perfection on Halsted

So good. They have other kinds of food too, but the breakfast is killer. And yes, it has a line (especially sat. and sun. mornings from 10am-1pm) but they get you seated and fed and happy pretty quickly. I've never waited more than 20 minutes here, even when I've gone during peak hangover hours (see above) with a group of 6 friends.

The food is great. The servers are quick and get your orders right. The prices are right.

Try the crepes (I like the sweet cream cheese and strawberry ones) or the breakfast sandwiches. Also the mango-coconut hotcakes, a seasonal specialty that may or may not still be on the men, is like eating a slice of a fruity angel. Oh, and on Friday and Saturday it's open 24 hours.

Bottom Line: it's worth the line. If you really want to go there and not wait, then go on a weekday morning. You will get great service and have food on your plate within 10 minutes of walking in.

Now for the sad news. The sadness on Broadway is none other than.... Melrose Restaurant. Like I said, it's HARD to mess up breakfast foods. This place managed to do it. Although there was no line, no wait, and no problem getting a table, there apparently was a reason for this. The service was incredibly slow and our server messed up our orders in about 5 different ways. The food was overpriced for the quality and the portions were small. It's breakfast! Let's stuff ourselves like the Americans we are!

And the place was crawling with bananas. They must have been trying to get rid of 'nanas because my friend who ordered a fruit cup got an under-ripe banana in its place. My stuffed french toast, supposedly filled with mascarpone cheese and topped with strawberries was filled with.... you guessed it... bananas. I'm not a banana-hater (like some people I know) but there's a time and a place for them. And it's a well known fact that if you put even a sliver of banana in any dish, the whole thing is going to taste like them.

At the end of our meal we waited for our receipt only to find that we had to go up to the front, wait in a long line and then pay. Fine, except they couldn't split up our check in any way and wouldn't let us pay with more than 1 credit card. I get that, but at that point it was the cherry on top of an unsatisfactory dining experience.

So.... long story short. If you are headed to breakfast in Boystown, go to Nookies.

Ann Sather: What's the big idea?

Ann Sather. I've never been. Is it worth the wait?

Thoughts...